i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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