ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
