I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
