Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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