CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
