I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize