I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
