I got chris browned last night
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's official drugs can't kill me
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
