New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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