careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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