When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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