So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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