happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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