I need to stop coming to work sober
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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