Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
