I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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