Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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