My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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