and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Never joke about your clitoris.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
