I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
