Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
