I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
