so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
