god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
