Apparently you make a good broom.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
