We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
