and my herpes radar will keep us safe
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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