Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
