Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
