The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
