apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
