the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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