my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Your dad touched me again.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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