don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
