I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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