wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
