Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
