I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
