so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
