If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize