And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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