Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
