i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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