Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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