Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
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