She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
