Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
