Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
