Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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