I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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