tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Boobs speak an international language.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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