I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm too high and old for this...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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