What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
