The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize