How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
