Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
