go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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