Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
