So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
