I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
